Phooey!!! I seem go to extremes lately when it comes to this whole getting healthy thing. I went for two weeks with very strict diet and exercise. I was pretty much eating salads and drinking water and that’s it, and exercising every day. Now for the past week and a half, I have been eating nothing but crap and have not exercised once.
There are a few things going on here, some physical and some mental. First off, as Marcia told me on Saturday, sugar is like my own special brand of crack. If I have just a little I want more and more. I’m not sure where this leaves me. I could cut it out completely like I did the first two weeks. It was hard at first, and I spent most of those first weeks dying for pop and chocolate, but on most days was just fine. Or I could eat it/drink it, but in moderation. Part of me is saying do it in moderation because it is more realistic you will stick to it. However, my whole diet started to fail over a week ago because I said, “One little candy bar won’t hurt me,” and then it did. Like Marcia said it was like crack and I couldn’t get enough once I started. The other part of me is saying, “You know this is your biggest addiction (especially in the form of pop), so just like smokers and alcoholics have to do, give up your drug cold turkey and completely.”
OK, this next part is so private. Probably the most private thing I have ever shared with anybody, and now I am about to share it with all of you. I have been thinking about this for a couple of years and maybe, even though I am no therapist, this will be a little freeing for me once I put it out there. All these shows that have weight loss experts on them say that usually people who have been overweight for most or all of their lives have some underlying emotional issue that has nothing to do with their physical capabilities to lose weight. I could be completely wrong, but in my mind for the past couple of years I have been thinking that maybe I subconsciously sabotage myself all the time on purpose. I started getting overweight around fifth grade. It didn’t really start to become an emotional issue for me however until eighth grade. That was when I started hearing mean girls (we all know there are plenty in middle school) making little comments. That is also about the same time I started losing friends. Up until then I had always had plenty of friends to hang out with. In high school and college I had very few friends and in my entire life, I have only gone out on dates with three people, and have only dated one seriously. I have always blamed my lack of friends and dates on my weight, which gets me back to what I was saying. Maybe I have been hiding behind my weight, and am afraid that if I lose it, I will discover that it hasn’t been my weight this whole time that people haven’t liked, but it’s really me as a person, so I keep the weight on for fear of that not being the issue. I know some of you are reading this and rolling your eyes, and others are thinking I watch to many talk shows, but I think there might be something to this, and is something I need to work through…OK or maybe this has nothing to do with this and I just love pizza. Hahaha.
Wow it got deep there for a minute. I don’t know where all of this leaves me. I guess I am just damaged goods and I need to work on fixing myself, not just physically but mentally too. If you got this far in my blog, thanks for reading and caring. It was a very emotional weekend, but now the weekend is over and I have to figure out what is going to be best for me.
Shamrock Shuffle 5 weeks away…
Happy Running!
Sally
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